Marriage Tune-ups ...

What's a Marriage Tune-Up?

Just what it sounds like. It's interesting that we'll spend the time and money to get our teeth cleaned every 6 months and get an oil change for the car every 3000 miles. But will we get our primary RELATIONSHIPS tuned-up. Nope, probably not!!

As a counselor, I wish people would come in sooner before the problem is HUGE!

Maybe, like going to the doctor we are a bit fearful to find something bad.

A Marriage Tune-Up can last one session or several, it doesn't need to go and on.

In a tune-up, we'll look at these items:

1. First we'll look at what's working well already. That's important for us to see as couples what we're already doing that's succeeding.
2. Then we'll "tweek" those communication and intimacy issues so that you stay on the path of building healthy love and boundaries.

You see a tune-up can prevent stuff from getting bigger!!

Anxiety: Possibly our biggest problem ...

ANXIETY
Anxiety/fear could be the biggest problem of the human race. Animals and other mammals have instinctual fear, but they do not predict doom as do we humans. We think about the future and predict negative possibilities in our thoughts.

When we spend so much time predicting doom for the future, we are not living in the present and not being present with self. It's my philosophy that the greatest source of anxiety happens when we "LEAVE" the SELF.

So then- one of the best ways to decrease anxiety is to work at staying in the present with ourselves. When we stop rejecting our true self then we begin to heal the split between our "pretend" self and the true self. Heavy stuff, but true.
-sb

How Important is This ... ?

I've found myself saying to my clients a lot in the last few weeks that we "can't fight every battle" ... or that we need to decide if this is a "mountain that we want to die on!!"

Well that's what this well-used Twelve Step phrase is all about. When we are hit with something, when we are angry about how someone has hurt us ... we can remember to ask the question ... how important is this ... in order to help decide what to do next.

If I let something go that's a good option. But if I can't let something go without building up resentments, then its time to confront the issue. The primary question is ... how important is this.

Some of us have this habit of stuffing everything and then building up resentments and possible depression. Others will confront every issue and seem like they're always fighting battles, always angry and possibly anxious about the next fight.

So if we learn to ask this question - we could learn to be healthier. If its not that important, I can let it go ... not stuff it!! And if its more important and I know that I'll build up angst if I try to let it go, then I confront the issue ... instead of fighting all the time.

Learning to ask myself this question has helped me to get perspective on issues and its helped me to stop stuffing it, since I tended to err on that side. I needed perspective to learn if dealing with the issue would be healthier for me rather than trying to "let go". I needed to learn to set boundaries in healthy ways and needed to let go in a way that wouldn't hurt me.

-sb

Marriage & Family Therapists ... What are they??

The Marriage & Family Therapist License is a "clinical" license. When I was first licensed in the state of California over ten years ago, I learned that CA was the first state to add this level or type of license in 1964. Marriage and Family Therapists or MFT's are specifically trained to diagnose and treat clients who have problems/disorders that stem from relational problems with either their family of origin,  other childhood relationships, and/or current interpersonal interactions.

Here's a link to frequent questions about MFT's from AAMFT (the American Assn for Marriage and Family Therapy):

http://www.aamft.org/iMIS15/AAMFT/Press/FAQs/Content/About_AAMFT/Qualifications.aspx?hkey=7d1341ef-0f95-46a3-9082-6c37fab2dcf6

Since the State of California was the first state to license MFT's, it designed its own educational requirements, supervision/training and exam process. My Masters Degree program was a required 44-unit study program which included a semester-long 250-hour minimum practicum counseling experience.

Following graduation with my masters degree, I then was required to complete over 3000 hours of supervised counseling experience. I was required to have at least 500 hours of experience in counseling children, families and couples. I was also required to have face-to-face supervision or group supervision. During my internship, I had 1 hour of individual supervision and 2-hours of group for the three years that I accumulated my hours.

When my hours were accumulated I sat for the written exam and then I prepared for the oral exam which I was able to take after I passed the written exam. The CA oral exam was an incredible and hair-raising experience. Passing the CA oral exam was difficult and most of us paid a lot for study courses and even "orals" coaches. Several years after my oral exam CA ceased the oral exam process and replaced it with a computer-driven "vignette" exam. Since this is very much an "oral" profession, I still strongly believe that oral exams should still be required for all mental health practitioners.

So there you go ... the MFT License is a "Clinical License", we are trained to diagnose and treat problems/disorders and our services are reimbursed by medical insurance companies.

-sb